August 21

I didn't do anything I said I was going to last week. It's a lot harder being home all the time than I thought it would be. I spend way too much time watching tv and I stay up late and sleep late and my whole life seem out of sync. I need routine, but I'm finding it hard to have a routine. Rob thinks I should try getting back on my sleep/wake schedule and get up and go the club like I used to and come home, shower and leave again to get into a routine. He suggested going to the library to do my job searching and/or doing volunteer work. I told him I would try, but I didn't do any of it last week. And the house is a mess, which you would think if I'm home all day it would be sparkling clean, but my feeling is there no hurry to get things straightened up. Before, I would want to get everything cleaned up or at least looking presentable so I didn't have to worry about it on the weekends, but now every day is like a weekend so what's the big deal if it doesn't get cleaned up today. It's terrible and I can't seem to snap out the lethargy I'm in. I guess I never really realized how much value I put on having a job. I have been sending in resumes, but with little luck so far. I think when I apply for jobs that don't require a degree, people might think I am too qualified based on my experience and for jobs that require a degree, I'm not even considered even though I'm qualified based on experience. I regret not going to college now. If I had a degree I would have a job by now or at least have been on interviews. I don't even remember why I didn't want to go to college. I would like to have a degree, but I don't think I want to go to classes at this point in my life. I wouldn't mind taking classes on line to earn a degree, but then money becomes an issue. I think I made a big mistake leaving my previous job.
Today I got up, went for a 40 minute walk, showered, ran a quick errand to Target, finished and turned in my meeting notes for last Thursday's meeting and watched some tv. I don't feel so much today like I wasted time. I created a schedule for myself for this week and my goal is to stick to it all week. I hope I can do it. No, I know I can do it.

August 14

Today I had an interview with a consulting company. I had almost decided not to go because I thought the recruiter didn't understand my background and was thinking I was a BSA. As it turns out, she did think I was a BSA, but once I explained my experience she said that they have job opportunities for my role too. She also suggested that I change my resume so my job title was more specific to my role. After talking with her, I felt so much better. I've been feeling really depressed about not working and not even having any interviews or interest in my skills. Then when I got home I had an e-mail from a Target recruiter who wanted to have an informational phone interview with me this afternoon. I just finished talking with her and she is going to pass on what she learned with a few people (or so she said). She also said it would be 2-3 weeks before I heard back from them. Then I got a call from Carla, who is my boss I guess, for the recording secretary job. She said she reviewed my notes from last week and they looked great. The only issues she found were that I should have spelled the work Avenue and not abbreviated it. She said I am so good I could easily do this now on my own. But I still have to do a few more practice meetings. Secretly I was hoping she would tell me my worked sucked so I could tell her it wasn't going to work out. I have a feeling that I will hate doing this. It's interesting in the sense I find out what is going on in the city, but some of the council people just ramble on and that irritates me and I find myself not paying attention. Which is bad if I'm hired to take meeting minutes.
Rob and I did some errands this weekend. It was nice to get out of the house for a bit. We went to lunch, shopping and to supper. I found a really nice suit to wear for interviews.
Rob said that he thought the reason I was feeling so lost and bored is because I don't have a routine. I think he is right. So starting tomorrow I'm going to put myself on a schedule. I'm going to get up by 7am, go to the club or ride my bike. I'm going to clean 1 part of the house each morning when I get back from riding or working out. I'm going to shower and run errands if needed or go to the library or something, just to get out of the house for a bit. Then I'm going to go on line and search for jobs. I'm going to cook meals. This won't fill up my entire day, but it will certainly help.
And after today's meeting and phone calls, I'm feeling better about everything and feeling more optimistic about finding a job. And today is the first day in a long time that I don't feel like snacking and eating whatever I feel like. I think that feeling bad about myself has really put me on a destructive path. I haven't really cared what I ate or how much, I haven't been exercising or really even taking care of myself. It was nice to dress up today and leave the house for a reason.
I'm looking forward to working again. Although, I'm sure once I'm working, I'll wish I had time off. The grass is always greener....

August 8

Today I was supposed to go to an interview seminar, but I rescheduled. I was feeling tired and blah. I got a call from a consultant recruiter and I have a meeting for Monday with her. But I think she is confused by my experience. I think she is looking for BSA's, which I'm not. She sent me an e-mail asking if I had retirement services experience, which I do, but not as a BSA. Anyway, I won't be surprised if she cancels. I responded to her e-mail explaining that I'm not a BSA, I have a financial back ground. Target called back after 3 weeks to say that they had enough internal candidates so they were not going to interview external candidates. NMDP called about an AR job that I really don't want and only applied because Rob thought I should. The pay is $26K less than I was making. I'm willing to work for that little if I like the job, but this is an entry level clerical position and I wouldn't like it. At least something is happening. It's annoying that companies don't acknowledge that you applied for a job. I can understand big companies not having the time, but I have applied for smaller companies that haven't sent any communications at all. It would be nice to receive a real e-mail (not an auto generated one) that says we are interested or not.

August 5

I'm really starting to worry about getting a job. I have sent in resumes for about 25 jobs and I have only had 2 contacts from them. One was a no, I wasn't qualified, which I expected since it was for a job I have never done before. The other was a job at Target HQ. I had a phone interview, but it never went any farther than that, which again I expected after the interviewer asked me what my current salary was. When I told her, she said she couldn't match that. I was surprised that Target doesn't pay better. The job description was basically the same job I was doing at AMP.

I hope something turns up soon. I thought having some time off would be nice, but instead I feel guilty being home while Rob is earning the money. I did get my severance check and that will cover what would have been 11 pay periods or 22 weeks so we're OK money wise for a while.

I did get a part-time job working for the city as a recording secretary for all the city meetings. Not exactly exciting or something I am even really looking forward to, but I want to be making some money and after 2 weeks out of work, I'm already bored and going stir crazy at home. I would go shopping, but of course I can't spend money, so that isn't fun, and I've gained about 12 pounds in the last 3 months so shopping for clothes isn't fun either. I can't seem to motivate myself to exercise again. I went for a couple of bike rides, but then the weather turned into a humid heatwave and once it broke, I still didn't go out for rides.

Robbie's make has been hurting him for about a month now and it too is driving me crazy. He can't do anything and he has been missing a lot work, which always worries me. I want him to get better and stop being in pain.

Today, I was at the mall to get some hair goop and there was a 'giving tree' for school supplies for underprivileged kids. I felt really bad that I couldn't choose a name and pick up some supplies. That is something I normally wouldn't have thought twice about.

I need to start enjoying my time off and stop feeling guilty. Some things I want to do are work in my craft room, bike ride, go to the club and work out, clean the house (not fun, but needed).

I have an interview seminar next week to help me prepare for interviews (assuming I ever get one) and I money management seminar the week after. And I have 2 Blaine city meetings this week, so I'll have some paying work to do as well.